I left the journal I used to process most of seminary on an international flight. It still haunts me and I regularly fantasize that somehow we will be reunited (nearly six years later 😅).
One time I lost a notebook that I'd inscribed my name/contact info in, it wasn't as important of a notebook as yours both sound, but still, there was something of me in it. And nine or ten months later, it was returned to me, having been picked up by someone who recognized my name but not my face and then was lost in the backseat pocket of their car. Sometimes things do come back to us, though I wasn't in another country or on public transit when it happened, so the distance from them to me wasn't so grand. I hope for this for both of you =)
This is a substantial grief—not just the compilation of grief that you worked through in the notebook, but the loss of the notebook itself. And yet, the way you've written this and shared it with us is part of the process of grief, isn't it? The giving over, relinquishing. It's just not often so tangible as it was for you here. Thank you for sharing this with us. It made me tear up in multiple places and I'm thankful for the vulnerability you put into it.
“Your laptop's new operating system is up and running. But for some reason I couldn’t back up the photographs. I trust you saved them elsewhere.” Um. Some of them. In that instant the experience of loss was whole-body. Then the attempt at resurrecting them failed. What was there to do but grieve, let go, and keep on making images. That happened decades ago. I still remember favorite shots that vanished. One in particular, taken from the train as we were crossing the high plains in southeastern Colorado en route to Santa Fe. Ugh! “Always we begin again."
Thank you for taking the time to share your reflections! I like the part about epistemic trust. I’m about to move across the pond for my Master’s, and I’ve been lamenting all the beloved books and notebooks that can’t come with me. This is such a sweet reminder to trust that I’ve really been learning from those books!
I’m grateful for the humanity, mystery, and frailty of this loss, and it’s a deep loss for sure. I picture the notebook, nestled in its crevice, a testament to the wonder and weakness we endure. Might need to poetize this!
Thoroughly enjoyed Tripp Fuller's description of your conversation on "Process This" Substack -- You are speaking to where I am now -- have travelled from conservative Calvinism through agnosticism, progressive chaplaincy in long-term care, retirement, and now enthusiastic Jesus-ethics but agnosticism about what we call "God." It's why I can't help with children's hour at church -- I can't figure out how to pray (as a Whitehead fan), and I don't want to give them something they may eventually have to grapple with. Your writing is reminding me of our mother -- who would say, "All I know is, I ask the Lord to help me -- and He does!" I enjoyed the "look inside" Amazon sections of your new book and am looking forward to hearing your conversation with Tripp. Thank you so much for your help! -- for me, and so many others! May "all maner of thing be well" for you!
The loss reads like a test you didn't choose to run. Only when the notebook is gone do you find out whether the thinking had become yours or was still living on the paper.
Yours had. Somebody else finds out the other way, and neither of you could have said in advance which it would be.
An interesting post. Almost everything I write is electronic—except for a large notebook of notes related to the novel I'm working on. I'd cry if I lost it.
I wish the papers in Walter Benjamin's lost suitcase would turn up from some long-forgotten storage!
Beautiful. And btw. You really need a Remarkable tablet. It's always possible to lose, but it is backed up via wifi to the cloud. I am a huge fan, and have a tremendous amount of notes on mine. It's a digital paper tablet, and has been a life saver of keeping my life together
Perfect timing - lost my bible from the last couple of years yesterday. It’s odd to swing from nostalgia to “well it was a good run” contentment. Thanks for sharing!
I felt like my memory had been gut punched as I read this. I remember losing a drawing book once. Every scratch in it was connected to places, smells, conversations, lectures, smiles, and hurts.
Thank you for inviting us in as you process loss and contentment. Your reflections gave me much to consider.
Great post. I'm commenting because in my '50s I'm still nervous about losing a notebook. I've recently gotten out of the fear that if I don't write something down, I'll never have another idea again, that's obviously false. But the clinging persists . So you've said what I needed to hear. And I was just reading the Kindle version of your Make Your Home in This Luminous Dark on the Amtrak between Detroit and Chicago, and enjoying it tremendously. I think that was the book I needed to read about mysticism. Thank you for your work!
I left the journal I used to process most of seminary on an international flight. It still haunts me and I regularly fantasize that somehow we will be reunited (nearly six years later 😅).
I’ve also had re-unification dreams.
One time I lost a notebook that I'd inscribed my name/contact info in, it wasn't as important of a notebook as yours both sound, but still, there was something of me in it. And nine or ten months later, it was returned to me, having been picked up by someone who recognized my name but not my face and then was lost in the backseat pocket of their car. Sometimes things do come back to us, though I wasn't in another country or on public transit when it happened, so the distance from them to me wasn't so grand. I hope for this for both of you =)
THE DREAM LIVES ON! (I, too, put my contact info in it)
This is a substantial grief—not just the compilation of grief that you worked through in the notebook, but the loss of the notebook itself. And yet, the way you've written this and shared it with us is part of the process of grief, isn't it? The giving over, relinquishing. It's just not often so tangible as it was for you here. Thank you for sharing this with us. It made me tear up in multiple places and I'm thankful for the vulnerability you put into it.
“Your laptop's new operating system is up and running. But for some reason I couldn’t back up the photographs. I trust you saved them elsewhere.” Um. Some of them. In that instant the experience of loss was whole-body. Then the attempt at resurrecting them failed. What was there to do but grieve, let go, and keep on making images. That happened decades ago. I still remember favorite shots that vanished. One in particular, taken from the train as we were crossing the high plains in southeastern Colorado en route to Santa Fe. Ugh! “Always we begin again."
Thank you for taking the time to share your reflections! I like the part about epistemic trust. I’m about to move across the pond for my Master’s, and I’ve been lamenting all the beloved books and notebooks that can’t come with me. This is such a sweet reminder to trust that I’ve really been learning from those books!
I’m grateful for the humanity, mystery, and frailty of this loss, and it’s a deep loss for sure. I picture the notebook, nestled in its crevice, a testament to the wonder and weakness we endure. Might need to poetize this!
Thoroughly enjoyed Tripp Fuller's description of your conversation on "Process This" Substack -- You are speaking to where I am now -- have travelled from conservative Calvinism through agnosticism, progressive chaplaincy in long-term care, retirement, and now enthusiastic Jesus-ethics but agnosticism about what we call "God." It's why I can't help with children's hour at church -- I can't figure out how to pray (as a Whitehead fan), and I don't want to give them something they may eventually have to grapple with. Your writing is reminding me of our mother -- who would say, "All I know is, I ask the Lord to help me -- and He does!" I enjoyed the "look inside" Amazon sections of your new book and am looking forward to hearing your conversation with Tripp. Thank you so much for your help! -- for me, and so many others! May "all maner of thing be well" for you!
The loss reads like a test you didn't choose to run. Only when the notebook is gone do you find out whether the thinking had become yours or was still living on the paper.
Yours had. Somebody else finds out the other way, and neither of you could have said in advance which it would be.
An interesting post. Almost everything I write is electronic—except for a large notebook of notes related to the novel I'm working on. I'd cry if I lost it.
I wish the papers in Walter Benjamin's lost suitcase would turn up from some long-forgotten storage!
It’s actually worth trying to get it back on SBB lost and found. Sometimes the unexpected happens…
Beautiful. And btw. You really need a Remarkable tablet. It's always possible to lose, but it is backed up via wifi to the cloud. I am a huge fan, and have a tremendous amount of notes on mine. It's a digital paper tablet, and has been a life saver of keeping my life together
Perfect timing - lost my bible from the last couple of years yesterday. It’s odd to swing from nostalgia to “well it was a good run” contentment. Thanks for sharing!
I felt like my memory had been gut punched as I read this. I remember losing a drawing book once. Every scratch in it was connected to places, smells, conversations, lectures, smiles, and hurts.
Thank you for inviting us in as you process loss and contentment. Your reflections gave me much to consider.
Wonderful, life giving perspective. Thank you for sharing this!
Great post. I'm commenting because in my '50s I'm still nervous about losing a notebook. I've recently gotten out of the fear that if I don't write something down, I'll never have another idea again, that's obviously false. But the clinging persists . So you've said what I needed to hear. And I was just reading the Kindle version of your Make Your Home in This Luminous Dark on the Amtrak between Detroit and Chicago, and enjoying it tremendously. I think that was the book I needed to read about mysticism. Thank you for your work!